Saturday, June 5, 2010


So within hours of that last post, the crap really hit the fan, not necessarily in a bad way... if, in fact, crap can hit a fan in a non-bad way.

I'll give the short version. I was talking online with an old friend who I used to date back in the day, and he told me that the real reason that our 'relationship' ended was because I scared him, or rather the feelings he had for me scared him. This came as somewhat of a shock, mainly because I'd resigned myself to believing other reasons for the relationship ending. The other reason, though, is that that was the first time I'd ever had someone tell me anything like that before. Usually when I'm in some sort of relationship with someone, I sort of just assume they 'like' me, nothing more. Thinking that there's anything more intense than 'like' weirds me out. It sounds strange, but thinking that someone could 'love' me is very odd. I don't mean that in a 'Poor me. I'm unlovable' kind of way, but thinking that I could inspire those kinds of feelings in someone makes me very uncomfortable. I have a really hard time thinking of myself as that kind of girl. It's so bizarre writing this, and reading it, and knowing how little it makes sense.

I should also clarify that 'the guy' isn't a creep or anything. The comment just took me by surprise, and then started a ripple effect which wouldn't stop.

A few hours after this particular conversation, I got some news from home that was a little less than positive. It was nothing too serious, but I would call it 'disappointing.' Hearing the news, I gauged how I thought I should have felt, or how I thought anybody else would have felt, and then how I actually felt, and there was a pretty big disparity between the two. I realized how numb I've become to bad news. Maybe 'numb' isn't the right word, but it's as close as I'll be to come to it. I'm beginning to think that the 'numbness' has a connection to how hesitant I am in accepting affection. I automatically downplay things in my mind to make them seem less extreme, to include bad news, feelings, stress, etc.

I'm really starting to sound like a weirdo right about now.

I guess the point of this entry is that I have a lot of walls up that I need to take down. At the same time, though, those walls have helped me survive a lot of really tough crap, and I'm really hesitant to take them down. I wish there was an equation for just how much of the wall I should leave intact, so that I could avoid most of the 'hurt' but still let some good stuff in once in a while.

And there is is. Binged. Purged. It's all out. Finally.

And I'm spent.

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