Monday, April 19, 2010

Holy crap.

It's been almost a year since I've written anything on this. So much has change since then I don't even know where to start. Tomorrow's the beginning of my 6th semester at BYU-I. No one knows how that happened. By this time next year, if all goes according to plan, I'll be finished with college. I know it sounds cliched but WHERE DOES TIME GO? I feel like I should be graduating from high school this year, not college.

Anycrap, I've had a lot on my mind the last couple of days. My head won't stop churning out new questions for me to think about. Some of them I don't mind thinking about, like "How do they make gumballs?" And then there are the heavier ones, the kind make me so anxious I can't go running (which is super annoying by the way. I wish I were one of those people who could completely clear my head while I ran). This year seems to be THE year, the year where I have to have everything figured out. I know that's not completely realistic, but there are so many forks in the road this year, and I feel like I have to make just the right decision at each of them.

For instance: To go on a mission, or not to go on a mission.

Growing up I never really thought I'd go on a mission. I never ruled it out, but the thought of going on one never quite clicked in my mind. Recently, though, it's been on my mind more and more. Spending a year and a half in a completely new place, meeting new people, focusing on the gospel with no distractions, helping people sounds pretty nice to me right about now. On the other hand, completely removing myself from college/friends/family for a year and a half scares me to death. I know it sounds selfish, or at least it feels selfish, but it's a genuine concern. I know I wouldn't regret serving one, and I know the blessings that come from a mission are well worth it, but I keep thinking of everything I would miss at home.
On the other hand, figuring out what to do with my life if I don't go on a mission isn't much more appealing. I've never been this unfocused in my life. I've always had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to do: work for the government, travel, have a family, etc. But, a couple semesters ago I had sort of an epiphany. I love learning about government, the history behind it, how it works, all the little intricacies that go into it. I know that if I wanted to, I could do pretty well for myself living that kind of life. But when I think about desk-work, commuting, politics, all that kind of stuff, my excitement shuts off. I would much rather do work that I'm absolutely, 100% passionate about.
SO. I switched my major to English, which isn't a huge change from Poli Sci, and I can go pretty much anywhere with it. So far I love it. I can write all I want (more than I want), and read, and analyze, and discuss, and create. It's helped me so much as a writer and a communicator in general. The only problem is where I go with it. I would love to work for the entertainment industry doing writing or editing or something else creative. Dad thinks I should have a newspaper column somewhere. There are all these possibilities swirling around and all I have to do is go for ONE, but the thought of choosing just one is so incredibly daunting.
I've also thought a lot about teaching abroad. It would satisfy pretty much every desire I have for my future life. I LOVE the idea of traveling as part of my career. I want to do and see as much as possible. The only problem is trying to create a family, or any kind of relationship, around that kind of lifestyle. I don't want to be one of those moms who hires a nanny and never sees her kids, or does long-distance relationships all the time. And I don't want anyone to feel like they'd have to compromise anything just so I could fulfill my own need to travel all the time.
I've noticed this kind of mentality seeping into other areas of my life, especially with school. When I'm in school, I like to be completely dedicated to school. I absolutely hate feeling like I haven't given 100% to my school/homework. I never want to feel like I could've done better. With that, though, comes certain sacrifices. I haven't been the best at dedicating time to my friends or my relationships. It's not really fair to anyone, and I hate that I'd ever even consider putting school before them, but if I only get to do college once, I want to do it right. There's also that little fear in the back of my head that I won't be able to get as much schooling as I want too. My goal is to get a Masters, possibly in English. I think getting a Masters degree would quench any educational desires I have, or at least make me sick of school enough to get on with my life and get a job. But if something ever came up, where I couldn't go that far, I want to know that the effort I put into school here in college would suffice.
Anyways, I feel like I'm rambling... I'm gonna end this while my thoughts are still somewhat lucid. And I'll try to update again before 2011.

Quote of the Day:
"Better start selling my lightbulbs." -Mary Alice

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