Sunday, March 4, 2012


If there's one thing my family does right, it's Sunday dinners. My family's always been kind of weird in a "coloring outside of the lines" kind of way, but for some reason it all comes to a head on Sunday nights. It's one of the things I'll miss most about my family once we all run off and get our own lives, and I love every single Sunday dinner I get to spend with my family while I'm home.

Tonight's dinner started out pretty regularly until we got on the subject of Mary Alice, my youngest sister, being a cat lady in the making after she commented on how much she loved her sweatpants. This was only the beginning. From there, we proceeded to come up with a bizarro-world version of everyone in our family. Now, reading this as an outsider won't do much since none of these are particularly funny unless you know my family/were at the table while these were being made up. I'm pretty much jut recording these for my own memory.

Mary Alice: The cat lady

-Has dozens of cats
-Names them all after British actors and historical figures
-Performs marriages on them in her spare time
-Grows her hair super long and braids it in the same brain every day.
-Loves sweat suits
-Changes her name to Heather
-"Doesn't hate" the taste of cat food

Lark: White Trash

-Lives in a trailer park
-Has infinite amounts of children. None of her children age past five years old, and she is somehow always carrying two children in her arms, and one in the chest pocket of her single-strapped overalls.
-Drives a bus that used to belong to the school district
-Is interviews on the news after every natural disaster, crying about her babies.
-In a relationship with Nate, who only uses her for her bus
-Children are constantly escaping
-Has a hook for a hand

Isaac: Mr. Mom

-Marries a Latina version of Mrs. Trunchbull
-Loves tupperware
-Gets involved with his wife's drug-dealing family, providing food for all their events.
-Clinton from "What Not to Wear"
-Wife keeps a box of chocolates he's not allowed to eat.

Annalee: The Annoying One

-Always trying to one-up everyone
-Wears gym clothes everywhere
-Marries a 90 year old man (Regis?)

Ben: Artistic Genius

-Crazy filmmaker that no one gets.
-70 nominations, 1 Oscar
-Speaks "frail." Or brail
-Muppet for an assistant
-Wears a swan to awards shows, has his muppet handle all interviews
-Works in a shack on his property
-Speaks in metaphors

Taylor: The fake Guru

-Lives on top of a ziggurat
-Has tried for years to finish a Rubics cube, but always has one square out of place
-Has a stash of twinkies and technology in a room in his Ziggurat
-Trained Honey to be a person
-Also speaks Frail to Honey.
-Gets Ben's movies
-Gives people advice from all over the globe

Mom: The Original Hippie

-Started Woodstock and is somehow in the corner of every Woodstock photo
-"Glorn, pie charts: square, man."
-Travels around with her oils
-Perpetually high
-Gets Taylor's movies as well.
-Makes fun of Dad for selling out

Dad: The History Teacher/Failed Comedian

-Act includes pie charts, powerpoints, historical comedy, and internet joke lists.
-Gives extra credit to his students for attending his act
-Constantly references his "wife" but really means his mother.
-Has his class fill out MadLibs, which he reads during his act.

That's about it. Like I said, you really had to be there. Or be in my family.

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