Tuesday, November 8, 2011

A big one.

So, this is the big one. The big post. At least for me it is. Anyways, here it goes:

I've decided to serve a mission.

It's something I've thought about for a long, long, long time now. I always told myself that I wasn't going to serve one until I graduated so that I wouldn't have an excuse for not finishing school, etc., etc. Then I graduated, and I found myself thinking about a mission almost constantly. Every time someone mentioned a mission I would get this pit in my stomach, and I would start feeling anxious, which really should have tipped me off that this wasn't something I should be shrugging off. But whenever I thought of a mission, I always had a million "reasons" for not going: my career would be thrown off, I would miss my friends, I would miss out on so much music and so many movies, yada yada, and I always considered those reasons good enough.

But as I was walking to work one morning, all I could think about was the mission. I was already pretty emotionally charged from some other things that had been going on in my life, so I didn't put too much stock into what I was thinking about it all, but then I started to think about all the reasons I had for not going on a mission, and my body literally wouldn't let me consider them reasons. I thought about them, and they didn't matter at all. All the anxiety attached to them completely disappeared (and at this point I started getting really scared). So, I stopped at a crosswalk and said to myself, "I'm going on a mission," and I felt so, so, so much lighter. All this tension that I'd been carrying around with me completely vanished. And I think trying to deny that feeling would be about the worst thing I could do.

So, now I'm here, terrified. I feel very, very humble right now. And I don't meant that in a spiritually superior way, but an "Oh my gosh, what have I gotten myself into, I need all the help I can get" kind of way. The only thing keeping me going right now is this gut feeling that I'm supposed to go. And for now, I think I can work with that. Holy geez.

Soooo...that's all I got.

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